Where Do I Belong?

Usually after a night out of drinking, that night, or in most cases the next morning, I am often reflective. Not only of the night, but just my life in general. Not the everyday bullshit, no job, a house, 3 pain-in-the-ass kids. No. Reflective of my place in the world, friends, girlfriends, etc. My real-life friends list is a short one. There is really only one true friend that I have, one where I can truly be who I am and it doesn't matter. But I don't ever see him anymore and I only talk to him randomly. Girlfriends, I've had a few. Some good, some......not so much. My first "real" girlfriend, I was with her for almost 6 years. I was 13 when we started going out. At the time, I was totally in love with her, now as I look back, I believe I was just in love with having sex with her. We were young, we really didn't know a lot about it and experimentation was all we had. I was definitely in love with the sex. Then we broke up, which is how these things usually work out. My next girlfriend was a 5 year sentence. No,really I was in love with her. But she was too young when we started going out and that didn't work either.

Once that was over, I broke out of my shell and started sleeping with whoever would have me. Mainly one-night stands or girls that I would keep hanging around if there were ever a night where I didn't pick up someone new. That sort of thing. It was cool. I had resigned myself the fact that "love" was over-rated. All I needed was someone there to do "stuff" to. Didn't matter. Love was for suckers! Who the fuck needs a girl calling all the time, questioning everything. Fuck that!

Then I was living with my cousin and instead of going out to the bar, I went with her and her cousin (on her mother's side of the family, I'm a cousin on her father's side,that is a very important part of the story, her two cousins are NOT related) to a Halloween party. Now I had a crush on this girl for forever. In my new frame of mind of not giving a shit, I acted on my crush and to my surprise (and everyone else's too) it worked. She was into me. And of course, I fell head-over-heels for her. There were weeks of cat and mouse games and then we were dating. I loved her more than I should have, more than I even wanted too, I couldn't help it. And of course, it ended, pretty badly I might add. After that I was truly done with professing my love to anyone but my momma! "Just go with the flow" was my mantra.

Then I met Jessica. Contrary to popular belief, it was a good thing. She was nice and sweet, and more importantly, she loved me and I knew it. But I never let myself get in too deep, or better yet, let her know I was in too deep. Then life happens. We got pregnant with Jack, we moved to my parents house, I lost 2 jobs, we had Jeorgia. Now I'm facing the very real possibility that I may not be with Jess or the kids full-time anymore. I don't know where that leaves me. Obviously, it leaves me with finding a job, apartment, furniture, etc., but where does that leave me?

I don't really fit in with the drinking crowd. I'm not a big drinker, 4 beers and I get sick of it. I don't like being drunk. I like being high, though I don't like when other people get high. You don't have to laugh at everything or act like a dummy because you smoked a joint! I don't act like that. I just chill and relax. So I don't fit in with the stoners. Metalheads are self-righteous, arrogant pricks, so obviously I don't fit in with that crowd. I'm not a partier, a trendy or a geek. So where the fuck do I belong?!? I guess I belong with my babies, but that would only be on the weekends if things continue down the road they are on. I want to be with Jess and the kids. I still love her very deeply. She's the mother of my children. No matter what happens, she will always be a part of me. Just that life getting in the way has always been our problem. Now more than ever. Maybe it's life getting in my way, which I'm sure is how it's viewed, either way it's true. We let life dictate our relationship. When life is good, we're good. When life sucks goat turds, we do too! I don't really know what will come of this, but I know I have some reflecting to do about who I really am and where I truly belong.

Jessica, I love you. More than you will ever know. More than I will ever be able to show you. I want to trust you again. I want to hear love songs on the radio and think of you. I want to say "I love you" before we hang up the phone. I want us to have date nights. I do. I truly and honestly do want that. It's getting to that point, that's where I don't know how to go about getting there. Is it even still a possibilty anymore? I would like to think so.

"Close your eyes baby and lend me your finger, together we walk out as one. No lonely nights, broken promises or fights will return anymore. I remember a time I believe I was fine but inside my heart broke down in two. Something inside starts to burn like a fire and I knew it was you. We're broken and damned but together we'll find a way. And no longer shall hell awaits. We will seek all the light in the day cause forever our love will breathe."

Alone again...Naturally

Home alone, on a Friday night, (well, technically the kids are home, but they're sleeping) as usual. Maybe I'm wrong or jealous or an asshole, but I don't think my old lady, a mother of three, should go out every weekend, especially in light of events in this house/relationship over the course of the last 2 or 3 months. I could understand a girls-night-out every so often or a movie with her sister, but she gets all dolled up to go to a bar! Her reasoning is that she worked there and she's been going for years, which, I get, but first and foremost, she's a flirt! And every time I used to go there with her, she is constantly surrounded by men. Trying to talk to her, buy her drinks, it pisses me off, always has. I tolerated it because I knew she was leaving with me or coming home to me! Now things are different. (Read past blogs if you don't know what I'm refering to.) I feel I can't trust her, I feel like she's going to meet someone, I feel like shouldn't going to a bar be something single people or 20-somethings do. Not 34-year old moms do, every weekend! I feel like why can't we get a babysitter and do something together! We never do anything together unless it's a family outing or a concert that has been planned weeks in advance. Maybe my "jealousy" stems from the fact that my girlfriend would rather hang out at a bar with her sister than hang out with me. I don't think I am alone in feeling that way, I think anyone would. I'm called a "jealous bitch baby" and maybe that's true. Maybe not. All I know is that if situations were reversed, I wouldn't be able to go out, nor have this blog because all my passwords to all my social network sites would have been changed, by her.

Things here are not good. I question everything she does. I desperately try to catch her in lies or catch her messages on Facebook. Hoping to find something. And when I don't, I get mad. Mad at her first because I think to myself "I know you're hiding something from me!" Mad that I'm not computer savvy enough to crack her passwords and read her messages or look online at phone records. Then mad because I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm giving myself an ulcer, I can feel it gurgling at night before I fall asleep. I can't keep track of phone numbers, texts, all of it. It's too much! But I can't stop myself. Every time I see a new status update and 4 guys making comments on it, or read her blog and see more guys and more comments, it tears the wound open all over again. My heart starts racing. My blood actually gets hot, I feel it. My stomach turns and I feel like I've been kicked in the sack!

Often I wonder if we're together just because it's easier. With the kids and the house, splitting up would be a long, painful process. She keeps telling me that it would only be hard for me and that's why I haven't left yet. And on some level, she's right. It would definitely suck not seeing my babies everyday. I've been with my daughter everyday and everynight since she escaped the womb. Not seeing her in the morning or before she falls asleep at night would hurt more than I even care to imagine. Then add to that Jack and Jules........I would like to think she wouldn't have an easier time either. I wouldn't be there when she wanted to run to the store or go to Savers. She'd be all alone with the three of them 24 hours a day. Putting them to bed, making all their meals, add to that just the normal daily grind of owning a home...it's no cake-walk. A job, a car, child-support, rent. What the fuck?!? But dealing with my head during this "reconcilliation" seems just as difficult.

I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I have my faults/vices, maybe more than I'd care to admit. Maybe I should just let her do what she wants and just deal with my demons silently. Maybe I should leave. I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I cannot keep going like this. Something needs to change and quickly.