Alone again...Naturally

Home alone, on a Friday night, (well, technically the kids are home, but they're sleeping) as usual. Maybe I'm wrong or jealous or an asshole, but I don't think my old lady, a mother of three, should go out every weekend, especially in light of events in this house/relationship over the course of the last 2 or 3 months. I could understand a girls-night-out every so often or a movie with her sister, but she gets all dolled up to go to a bar! Her reasoning is that she worked there and she's been going for years, which, I get, but first and foremost, she's a flirt! And every time I used to go there with her, she is constantly surrounded by men. Trying to talk to her, buy her drinks, it pisses me off, always has. I tolerated it because I knew she was leaving with me or coming home to me! Now things are different. (Read past blogs if you don't know what I'm refering to.) I feel I can't trust her, I feel like she's going to meet someone, I feel like shouldn't going to a bar be something single people or 20-somethings do. Not 34-year old moms do, every weekend! I feel like why can't we get a babysitter and do something together! We never do anything together unless it's a family outing or a concert that has been planned weeks in advance. Maybe my "jealousy" stems from the fact that my girlfriend would rather hang out at a bar with her sister than hang out with me. I don't think I am alone in feeling that way, I think anyone would. I'm called a "jealous bitch baby" and maybe that's true. Maybe not. All I know is that if situations were reversed, I wouldn't be able to go out, nor have this blog because all my passwords to all my social network sites would have been changed, by her.

Things here are not good. I question everything she does. I desperately try to catch her in lies or catch her messages on Facebook. Hoping to find something. And when I don't, I get mad. Mad at her first because I think to myself "I know you're hiding something from me!" Mad that I'm not computer savvy enough to crack her passwords and read her messages or look online at phone records. Then mad because I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm giving myself an ulcer, I can feel it gurgling at night before I fall asleep. I can't keep track of phone numbers, texts, all of it. It's too much! But I can't stop myself. Every time I see a new status update and 4 guys making comments on it, or read her blog and see more guys and more comments, it tears the wound open all over again. My heart starts racing. My blood actually gets hot, I feel it. My stomach turns and I feel like I've been kicked in the sack!

Often I wonder if we're together just because it's easier. With the kids and the house, splitting up would be a long, painful process. She keeps telling me that it would only be hard for me and that's why I haven't left yet. And on some level, she's right. It would definitely suck not seeing my babies everyday. I've been with my daughter everyday and everynight since she escaped the womb. Not seeing her in the morning or before she falls asleep at night would hurt more than I even care to imagine. Then add to that Jack and Jules........I would like to think she wouldn't have an easier time either. I wouldn't be there when she wanted to run to the store or go to Savers. She'd be all alone with the three of them 24 hours a day. Putting them to bed, making all their meals, add to that just the normal daily grind of owning a home...it's no cake-walk. A job, a car, child-support, rent. What the fuck?!? But dealing with my head during this "reconcilliation" seems just as difficult.

I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I have my faults/vices, maybe more than I'd care to admit. Maybe I should just let her do what she wants and just deal with my demons silently. Maybe I should leave. I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I cannot keep going like this. Something needs to change and quickly.