I'm Just Sayin'!

I never wanted to "blog" about what has been going on in my life lately, but I feel compelled to now. I don't know if anyone outside my immediate circle(which is dwindling by the day) knows, but I recently found out my old lady was cheating on me. She was talking, online, with another man. She would leave the house to talk to him on the phone. And then she was at her bar and he was there (quite the coincidence, if you ask me) and they ended up making out in his truck. That's what I know, were there any other "chance" meetings? I don't know. Was there any other physical activities? Again, I don't know. She says no, but I don't believe it. I am having an extremely hard time with all of this. I want to leave, but I don't want to leave my kids! I am in a shitty place in my life without having to deal with this bull-shit! I'm unemployed, I'm out-of-shape, and to top it all off, my license is suspended. So even if I find a job, how the fuck am I going to get there?!? I can't trust her and it's fucking with my head, big-time! Normally, I wouldn't even care. I'd be like "Fuck you! I'm out!". But now I have to be an "adult" about things. We have a house together, we have kids together, we share an income. Not to mention, she's like a teenager who's father found out her boyfriend is 5 years older than her, and forbids her from seeing him. She's obviously and outwardly upset that she can't talk, or see the other guy anymore and it burns me up! What fucking right does she have!?! None, I say, none! I cannot continue to try to make something work, that is permanently flawed. I know there was a lot that built up to her seeking out another. I'm not me right now. I haven't been me for a long time now. I lost my job at Poland Spring and that was a tremendous blow to my psyche, my self-esteem. I felt like I let everyone down, not only in my house, but my family and friends who were so proud that I got the job in the first place. It was a great job, income-wise anyway, and I just blew it with childish and immature actions. I just sunk into a state of depression after that, didn't care about myself or what I was going to do next. That lasted, and is still going on now, for over a year now. So I can understand her wanting something new and better, I just wish she would have left and said it was over before anything happened, before she went behind my back. For the first time in, I'd say 11 years, I feel helpless about this situation. I feel like everyday I learn something new about how she really feels about the other guy, about what really happened, everything. It's so frustrating! It's almost like I have to wait for her to "mourn" the passing of that relationship before we work on ours. I don't know if that's the case, but that's how it feels. And I don't think it's fair, no matter how bad my life has gotten, I shouldn't have to endure that type of shit. I don't know, I'm just sayin'!