Where Do I Belong?

Usually after a night out of drinking, that night, or in most cases the next morning, I am often reflective. Not only of the night, but just my life in general. Not the everyday bullshit, no job, a house, 3 pain-in-the-ass kids. No. Reflective of my place in the world, friends, girlfriends, etc. My real-life friends list is a short one. There is really only one true friend that I have, one where I can truly be who I am and it doesn't matter. But I don't ever see him anymore and I only talk to him randomly. Girlfriends, I've had a few. Some good, some......not so much. My first "real" girlfriend, I was with her for almost 6 years. I was 13 when we started going out. At the time, I was totally in love with her, now as I look back, I believe I was just in love with having sex with her. We were young, we really didn't know a lot about it and experimentation was all we had. I was definitely in love with the sex. Then we broke up, which is how these things usually work out. My next girlfriend was a 5 year sentence. No,really I was in love with her. But she was too young when we started going out and that didn't work either.

Once that was over, I broke out of my shell and started sleeping with whoever would have me. Mainly one-night stands or girls that I would keep hanging around if there were ever a night where I didn't pick up someone new. That sort of thing. It was cool. I had resigned myself the fact that "love" was over-rated. All I needed was someone there to do "stuff" to. Didn't matter. Love was for suckers! Who the fuck needs a girl calling all the time, questioning everything. Fuck that!

Then I was living with my cousin and instead of going out to the bar, I went with her and her cousin (on her mother's side of the family, I'm a cousin on her father's side,that is a very important part of the story, her two cousins are NOT related) to a Halloween party. Now I had a crush on this girl for forever. In my new frame of mind of not giving a shit, I acted on my crush and to my surprise (and everyone else's too) it worked. She was into me. And of course, I fell head-over-heels for her. There were weeks of cat and mouse games and then we were dating. I loved her more than I should have, more than I even wanted too, I couldn't help it. And of course, it ended, pretty badly I might add. After that I was truly done with professing my love to anyone but my momma! "Just go with the flow" was my mantra.

Then I met Jessica. Contrary to popular belief, it was a good thing. She was nice and sweet, and more importantly, she loved me and I knew it. But I never let myself get in too deep, or better yet, let her know I was in too deep. Then life happens. We got pregnant with Jack, we moved to my parents house, I lost 2 jobs, we had Jeorgia. Now I'm facing the very real possibility that I may not be with Jess or the kids full-time anymore. I don't know where that leaves me. Obviously, it leaves me with finding a job, apartment, furniture, etc., but where does that leave me?

I don't really fit in with the drinking crowd. I'm not a big drinker, 4 beers and I get sick of it. I don't like being drunk. I like being high, though I don't like when other people get high. You don't have to laugh at everything or act like a dummy because you smoked a joint! I don't act like that. I just chill and relax. So I don't fit in with the stoners. Metalheads are self-righteous, arrogant pricks, so obviously I don't fit in with that crowd. I'm not a partier, a trendy or a geek. So where the fuck do I belong?!? I guess I belong with my babies, but that would only be on the weekends if things continue down the road they are on. I want to be with Jess and the kids. I still love her very deeply. She's the mother of my children. No matter what happens, she will always be a part of me. Just that life getting in the way has always been our problem. Now more than ever. Maybe it's life getting in my way, which I'm sure is how it's viewed, either way it's true. We let life dictate our relationship. When life is good, we're good. When life sucks goat turds, we do too! I don't really know what will come of this, but I know I have some reflecting to do about who I really am and where I truly belong.

Jessica, I love you. More than you will ever know. More than I will ever be able to show you. I want to trust you again. I want to hear love songs on the radio and think of you. I want to say "I love you" before we hang up the phone. I want us to have date nights. I do. I truly and honestly do want that. It's getting to that point, that's where I don't know how to go about getting there. Is it even still a possibilty anymore? I would like to think so.

"Close your eyes baby and lend me your finger, together we walk out as one. No lonely nights, broken promises or fights will return anymore. I remember a time I believe I was fine but inside my heart broke down in two. Something inside starts to burn like a fire and I knew it was you. We're broken and damned but together we'll find a way. And no longer shall hell awaits. We will seek all the light in the day cause forever our love will breathe."

Alone again...Naturally

Home alone, on a Friday night, (well, technically the kids are home, but they're sleeping) as usual. Maybe I'm wrong or jealous or an asshole, but I don't think my old lady, a mother of three, should go out every weekend, especially in light of events in this house/relationship over the course of the last 2 or 3 months. I could understand a girls-night-out every so often or a movie with her sister, but she gets all dolled up to go to a bar! Her reasoning is that she worked there and she's been going for years, which, I get, but first and foremost, she's a flirt! And every time I used to go there with her, she is constantly surrounded by men. Trying to talk to her, buy her drinks, it pisses me off, always has. I tolerated it because I knew she was leaving with me or coming home to me! Now things are different. (Read past blogs if you don't know what I'm refering to.) I feel I can't trust her, I feel like she's going to meet someone, I feel like shouldn't going to a bar be something single people or 20-somethings do. Not 34-year old moms do, every weekend! I feel like why can't we get a babysitter and do something together! We never do anything together unless it's a family outing or a concert that has been planned weeks in advance. Maybe my "jealousy" stems from the fact that my girlfriend would rather hang out at a bar with her sister than hang out with me. I don't think I am alone in feeling that way, I think anyone would. I'm called a "jealous bitch baby" and maybe that's true. Maybe not. All I know is that if situations were reversed, I wouldn't be able to go out, nor have this blog because all my passwords to all my social network sites would have been changed, by her.

Things here are not good. I question everything she does. I desperately try to catch her in lies or catch her messages on Facebook. Hoping to find something. And when I don't, I get mad. Mad at her first because I think to myself "I know you're hiding something from me!" Mad that I'm not computer savvy enough to crack her passwords and read her messages or look online at phone records. Then mad because I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm giving myself an ulcer, I can feel it gurgling at night before I fall asleep. I can't keep track of phone numbers, texts, all of it. It's too much! But I can't stop myself. Every time I see a new status update and 4 guys making comments on it, or read her blog and see more guys and more comments, it tears the wound open all over again. My heart starts racing. My blood actually gets hot, I feel it. My stomach turns and I feel like I've been kicked in the sack!

Often I wonder if we're together just because it's easier. With the kids and the house, splitting up would be a long, painful process. She keeps telling me that it would only be hard for me and that's why I haven't left yet. And on some level, she's right. It would definitely suck not seeing my babies everyday. I've been with my daughter everyday and everynight since she escaped the womb. Not seeing her in the morning or before she falls asleep at night would hurt more than I even care to imagine. Then add to that Jack and Jules........I would like to think she wouldn't have an easier time either. I wouldn't be there when she wanted to run to the store or go to Savers. She'd be all alone with the three of them 24 hours a day. Putting them to bed, making all their meals, add to that just the normal daily grind of owning a home...it's no cake-walk. A job, a car, child-support, rent. What the fuck?!? But dealing with my head during this "reconcilliation" seems just as difficult.

I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I have my faults/vices, maybe more than I'd care to admit. Maybe I should just let her do what she wants and just deal with my demons silently. Maybe I should leave. I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I cannot keep going like this. Something needs to change and quickly.

What a week and a half it has been! It is hotter than Hades outside! I can't take it. I'm a winter man myself. Always have been. The only thing that sucks about winter is driving in the snow, which at this point in my life, living in New England, I've grown accustomed to. You can always go inside if you get too cold and warm up. With no A/C, there is no escaping the heat. We put A/Cs in the kids' rooms for sleeping, so that means I sleep with Jack in his room and Jess sleeps with Julia and Jeorgie in their room. I have been spending a great deal of my days playing with the kids in their room with the A/C on. I'm sure the electric company is rubbing their hands together wishing this heat-wave continues for weeks!

I haven't done anything in my house, at all. Not even dishes, which I would do everyday. Now I let it go for a couple of days, or until I need a pan or a clean plate. I don't know what happened, I was on a roll. I painted the hallway, started prepping the kitchen to start painting in there, taking the wall-paper border down, taking the doors off the cabinets. Now I'm in a funk and I need to figure out how to get motivated again. I guess I'm worried about getting a job. That was another thing I did this week, I went on a job interview. I would say it went OK, but I haven't a clue. The guy was very hard to read. Normally, I can feel them out, which way they are leaning. "We're gonna hire this guy" or "Is this guy seriously thinking we're gonna hire his fat-ass!", I couldn't get a read on him so I'll just wait and see what they say when they call back. If they call back.

Monday! Monday was the big day. Danzig at House of Blues. And, before the show, he was doing a signing at Newbury Comics a few blocks away. So stoked!! The signing was at 3PM, so we needed Jess' mom to come to the house right after work, which she did. But she didn't want to stay late because she had to work the next day, soooo we had to have Jess' sister come over when she got out of work to relieve her mother. "Mother, tell your children not to walk my way". And she did. Babysitting details taken care of, we were off to Beantown! I brought a couple of beers and a couple of joints with me, for obvious reasons. I wasn't driving so it was fine, or so I thought. Had 1 beer on the way, when we got close to Boston, I sparked up. I only smoked half. Now I don't smoke like I used to, so I was pretty high from only half a joint. We get to Newbury Comics and it was a ghost town. I thought we were at the wrong store. We weren't. He was there. We walk in and there are signs everywhere saying "No photos", which sucked, but whatever. And that he was only signing the new CD, which, convienently was on sale for $10! Again, whatever. I was just happy to be in the same building as Glenn fucking Danzig!! I had no idea what I was going to say to this guy. I figured I would just wing it. "He's just a guy", I kept saying to myself. We're next in line, and my mind shuts down!! I walk up to the table he was at and.........nothing. Jess told me I said "How's it go?" WHAT!?! This guy is a legend! He has created some of my All-Time favorite music, and that's what I say to him, "How's it go?"!!! I couldn't believe my brain went on a smoke break at the most crucial moment in my music-life, thus far!! He signed my CD, I shook his hand, told him to have a good show, I think, and put my head down and walked out. Shame washed over me as I came to and realized what had just taken place. I tried to forget it and enjoy the rest of the night. We walked over to the House of Blues, but it was way too early, so we had dinner up the street. We ate outside, people watched, and the anticipation of the show grew, pushing that shame and awkwardness away. Damn you marijuana!! We finished eating so we walk down to the show. As we approach I notice dreadlocks walking past me. I glance over and before I can even formulate the thought, Jess says "Isn't that the singer from Shadows Fall?". Yes, yes it was. And I missed him. My chance at redemption walked behind the building. He was gone but shame and awkwardness returned. What the fuck?!? Anyway, the show starts, first band rocked, second band sucked, and Danzig was incredible! No Misfits set, but he played all my favorite Danzig tunes. It was awesome! I almost hit some dude who was fighting and throwing elbows to some drunk girl, but the rest of the night was cool. I wish I could do it over and rectify my fuck-up but it was still an awesome experience.

I still feel strange and weird in my own house. Thoughts still linger, imaginations run wild, and emotions are still all out of whack. I'm sure over time things will get back to some sense of order, but it's not happening soon enough. I still feel like...........I don't even know how I feel anymore.

That was my week. The good, the bad, the awkwaaaard!! I still love pot though, even if it did let me down.

Be dangerous and unpredictable, and make a lot of noise.

I'm Just Sayin'!

I never wanted to "blog" about what has been going on in my life lately, but I feel compelled to now. I don't know if anyone outside my immediate circle(which is dwindling by the day) knows, but I recently found out my old lady was cheating on me. She was talking, online, with another man. She would leave the house to talk to him on the phone. And then she was at her bar and he was there (quite the coincidence, if you ask me) and they ended up making out in his truck. That's what I know, were there any other "chance" meetings? I don't know. Was there any other physical activities? Again, I don't know. She says no, but I don't believe it. I am having an extremely hard time with all of this. I want to leave, but I don't want to leave my kids! I am in a shitty place in my life without having to deal with this bull-shit! I'm unemployed, I'm out-of-shape, and to top it all off, my license is suspended. So even if I find a job, how the fuck am I going to get there?!? I can't trust her and it's fucking with my head, big-time! Normally, I wouldn't even care. I'd be like "Fuck you! I'm out!". But now I have to be an "adult" about things. We have a house together, we have kids together, we share an income. Not to mention, she's like a teenager who's father found out her boyfriend is 5 years older than her, and forbids her from seeing him. She's obviously and outwardly upset that she can't talk, or see the other guy anymore and it burns me up! What fucking right does she have!?! None, I say, none! I cannot continue to try to make something work, that is permanently flawed. I know there was a lot that built up to her seeking out another. I'm not me right now. I haven't been me for a long time now. I lost my job at Poland Spring and that was a tremendous blow to my psyche, my self-esteem. I felt like I let everyone down, not only in my house, but my family and friends who were so proud that I got the job in the first place. It was a great job, income-wise anyway, and I just blew it with childish and immature actions. I just sunk into a state of depression after that, didn't care about myself or what I was going to do next. That lasted, and is still going on now, for over a year now. So I can understand her wanting something new and better, I just wish she would have left and said it was over before anything happened, before she went behind my back. For the first time in, I'd say 11 years, I feel helpless about this situation. I feel like everyday I learn something new about how she really feels about the other guy, about what really happened, everything. It's so frustrating! It's almost like I have to wait for her to "mourn" the passing of that relationship before we work on ours. I don't know if that's the case, but that's how it feels. And I don't think it's fair, no matter how bad my life has gotten, I shouldn't have to endure that type of shit. I don't know, I'm just sayin'!

So it is officially one week away, the Danzig show at House of Blues, that is. I am sooo psyched!! I have only seen him once before, and OOOBoy, let me tell you! I f you are a Danzig fan, then you know he was the singer for my second favorite band of all-time, The Misfits. Pre-1995 Misfits that is. The "new" Misfits are horrible, it's a joke really. Glenn wrote all the songs and his voice is so unique to the songs, anything else is sub-par!! Anyway, there are things in my life, musically that is, that I have come to know, will never happen. Alice In Chains and Pantera (#'s 1 and 3, respectively on my All-Time list) will never truly play again live. Layne Stayley is dead and so is Dimebag Darrell. Slayer will never put out an "unplugged" album. Black metal will never be as cool as the story behind it all. And I thought I would never see Misfit songs played live and sung by Danzig in my lifetime. He said it himself. But lo and behold, he was at Lupo's and so was the former guitar player form The "real" Misfits. After Danzig's set, he called, more like bellowed to the back,"Doyle!" and out he came. And before I could realize what was going on, they ripped into a 30-minute set of Misfit tunes! I tell you, I have been to alot of shows in my day, some good, some bad, this blew all of them out of the fucking water! It was, for me, a divine experience. If there is a Heaven, that was what it would be, Danzig, live, playing nothing but Misfits. So here we are, 5 years later, Danzig has a new album (coming out the day after the show), and who is opening for him, you may ask? Gorgeous Frankenstein, Doyle's new band! I smell a Misfit encore, and I could not be happier! And to top it all off, before the show, Glenn's doing a signing at Newbury Comics! If I can get in, I'm gonna have him sign my arm, right under my Misfit skull tattoo. My buddy is a tattoo artist and said after the show he'll tattoo into my arm, so I will have it with me always!!! Excited doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling now, one week removed. I don't even think I will do my traditional pre-concert ritual of smoking a "fatty"! I probably will though, I will be a bit nervous. First of all, if I meet this guy, what the fuck am I going to say to him and not sound like an asshole?!? I mean I have been listening to The Misfits/ Samhain (his other band)/Danzig for 20 years now! He's a fucking legend in my eyes! I hope I don't blow it and pass out or worse, have him think I'm a tool! I'll be sure to fill you all in on what happens. One week! Can't wait! Later, bitches!!

Brand New

So I've been wanting to do this for some time now and decided now is as good a time as any. I'm sure no one will read this, cuz I ain't got a lot of interesting things to say, but whatever. I do it for me. I'll keep this first blog short. Just something for those who don't know who I am, or what I'm all about. I'm 31 years of age and the father to 3 beautiful children. Beautiful physically, attitude-wise, they're demons, each one of 'em!! 2 are my biological children, Jack Walker,4, and Jeorgia Alice, 1. Julia,9, is my step-daughter. They're good kids, just pains in my ass, as is with all kids, I guess! I have been unemployed now for the better part of a year. And what a glorious year it has been!! No, seriously, it gets old real fast. I am currently placing applications and leaving resumes as we speak, I need a job. I really need a job. I live in Somerset, MA. aka: "God's Country"! It sucks. The entire town is full of old farts and people who think they shit ice cream. It gets very annoying for a kid who grew up in a "project" and listens to death metal!! Ahhh, now we come to the part about me I love to write about, and could write or talk about it for hours and hours and hours.........METAL!! No, not iron ore, heavy fucking metal music!! If I wasn't a father, this would be what I would describe myself as, first and foremost, a metalhead! There is nothing better than driving down the street with the windows down, smoking a butt and Pantera blasting out of the speakers. "In turn, your making us....Fucking hostile!!!" Sweet, sweet heaven is what it is. Ever since I was 9, when I first heard "Appetite for Destruction", my motto has been if it's not loud, fast, or if your mama likes it, it's shit! Then came the Metallica/Megadeth years. Then my Misfit/Danzig phase. Then the Pantera/ Slayer years. I also went through an extreme-death metal period (that didn't last very long). Now, after countless CDs, mosh-pits, the occasional bloody nose, you would think I would be over it, oh but how wrong you would be! I love it more now, as an adult, than I ever thought I could love this terrible, devil-worshipping, ear- bleeding scourge that makes kids kill classmates and makes normal people shoot themselves with shot-guns! It is something that will be with me til coin that I pass to the ferryman's grasp. Well, enough about me for today, my internet time is coming to an end. Til next time boys and girls, keep watching the skies........Seriously, bird-crap stains clothes!